Introspection
Posted on 2004-07-04
In my life, I've stepped on more toes than I care to reflect on. I was not born with tact, and as I've grown older I haven't learned tact either. Living life without tact on your side tends to not make you a whole lot of friends. In fact, what it typically does is make you a bunch of enemies who claim to be friends.
I guess that's the Sagittarian 'boldness' in me though - I just say what I think a lot of the time, without actually thinking about what I'm saying until it's too late. That's probably why if you ever speak to me in person you'll find me saying 'Don't take this the wrong way.....' or 'I don't mean this the way it's going to sound.....' or 'This is just an idea/suggestion, but.....'. Just ask Claire..... she'll vouch for me because I know for a fact that I say one of these phrases to her at least once every time we talk!!!
While I've never learned when to say what and when not to say what, I have learned that there are times that you should keep your mouth shut. Sadly I still misjudge when to do so, so I end up speaking out of turn, and typically saying something horrible. I'm a billion times better than I used to be, but silence still gives me pause.
See, typically when someone lets loose with 'That dress looks awful on you', or 'You have such an attitude problem.', it's followed by deathly silence. Silence like it's time for prayer in a large church on Sunday. Silence like they have at a monastery where everyone has taken a vow of silence.
Silence like nothing you've ever heard before.
So whenever there's a lively conversation going, and there's a moment of utter stillness all of a sudden, I immediately turn inward and start fretting about what I might have said wrong.....
Did I say out loud that Aunt Sally's new 'do is so obviously a wig??? Did I say out loud that I didn't want to hear so 'n' so's birth story again??? Did I slip and say something about the disgusting sour cream and chive dip that such 'n' such just stuck in front of me, instead of just thinking it to myself???
While I sit there and mentally sift through every single thing I can remember saying, and berate myself for every possible slip, other people..... normal people..... sit there and enjoy the respite. They relish the silence.
Maybe this is why I prefer to be by myself, rather than around company. That's the only time when I can rest assured that while the silence is my doing, it's not a bad thing.
I honestly mean things in the best way possible. I don't mean to hurt people's feelings and I think a lot of the people who really know me know that deep down inside. They know that the words just tumble out before I can reign myself in.
Being tactless..... well, it's a bad thing, trust me. Be glad you were born normal... well, except for those of you with a sixth toe..... but don't worry, I won't tell anyone your secret.