Jaded
Posted on 2004-06-21
I wonder if I have become jaded???
News and reports of incest, abuse, paedophilia and acts of murder, no longer shock me like they used to. I sometimes say that I am initially shocked, but nothing really suprises me any more..... or is it that I am initially suprised but nothing really shocks me anymore???
My eyes may widen, my jaw may drop, my heart may leap, but I know that these awful acts have probably been happening since time began. I acknowledge the horror of it all, I acknowledge the terrible pain, shame or damage that has been inflicted on the innocent parties involved. But I'm not really shocked or suprised anymore.
I have never really spoken a great deal about my own experiences. They are still dark secrets that remain hidden for the most part. Why cause a stir now, when many of the events happened 5, 10 or even 20 years ago??? And the little incidents that happened more recently than that have not been forgotten either, but why cause more people more pain???
But I never said anything then, and I hesitate to say anything now. I've shared with a few people, but there's always this nagging feeling inside of me that keeps saying 'maybe it wasn't such a big deal afterall'. I know for a fact that there are people out there who have survived worse. And maybe that's why I don't feel comfortable telling people about my past - for fear that they will tell me I'm being silly and to 'get over it already'.
Families are important. Families should be safe havens for all of us. But they're not always safe and secure, they're not always loving and nurturing. A happy family, one that is genuinely happy, is a wonderful thing, but what about those with a facade of happiness and togetherness??? What about those families who smile in the company of others, but secretly dread being alone together??? I know which of the two my own family falls into.
At the funeral last week my cousin basically said the following to me:
'Your past has to be laid to rest, but it can't be laid to rest if you don't reveal it all to those closest to you. But if you do reveal all, would you feel better, lighter, cleansed, or would you feel the darkness closing in on you even further??? You don't know, and you think you'll never know so you don't say anything, instead preferring to write. And if that's what sustains you for now, then let it be so.'
But how can I reveal all to the people I no longer recognise as the family I grew up with as a child??? And is it them that have changed, or is it me???
Much soul searching needs to be done once again.