Journey
Posted on 2004-01-07
Forgive me for not explaining myself better in my last entry. It's not that I am some sort of sneaky person who does all this interesting stuff and leads a 'secret' life behind peoples backs, it's not that at all - it's just long and complicated, and something I'm not ready talk about in the open. I'm sure you'll find out in time through my therapy sessions though..... nothing ever stays a secret forever.....
It's not that I am dishonest as a person either, but rather scared. Scared of who I am, who I've become and what other people will think of me. I once heard someone say that if you are really shy and self-conscious that in a way it almost makes you conceited and self absorbed, because if you really think everyone is spending all their time thinking about you then you are flattering yourself.
I think this could possibily be true, and yet somehow it doesn't really help me get past my problem. I'm not particularly worried about whether people have different opinions than me - I'd like to think that I am open minded enough to not concern myself with that. I just have this fear of being judged - like someone judging me is a personal attack against my character. I've spent my whole life trying to fit in, [and I usually did eventually], but I hated it. Nothing was ever stable, and to many extents my life still is unstable. All these years later I am still trying to find my niche.
And yet I always tried to be a little different. I have always dressed a bit different or thought a bit different. But I have never let my true self fully see the light of day. The girl on the inside suffers because of my past - and I say girl because I don't think I ever really let her grow up. She was my safe place from happier days, and since I let her out so seldom her ageing process has been slowed down. Therefore while I have to attempt the role of an adult on a day to day basis, the real me is still a child - or at best a teenager throwing a tantrum.
I think this has a lot to do with why I can't accept my life and my illness for what they are, and I can't accept myself because I don't feel this is truly me. I think it's sad that only people who have known me for a very long time, [and even then not all of them], have seen the 'real' me. The thing is, I like the 'real' me - I like her a hell of a lot better than the person I see when I re-read my diary, and I'm sure Claire would be one of the first to agree when I say that away from diaryland I'm a different person. But, here is the place that I am most comfortable talking about my thoughts - probably because I don't have to sit through awkward silences and see other peoples reactions. I guess I still fear that those around me who have virtually always known me as 'the mask', will not accept me for who I truly am if I let that side out, and I'm sure it is by far my biggest struggle.
What if I decide to be true to myself, and the people closest to me don't like her??? What if I am rejected as my true self??? And on the other hand, should I give the people who love me a little more credit and assume they know this isn't the real me that I put on everyday??? Aren't I really cheating them out of a relationship and a life with her??? And the question I already know the answer to is aren't I cheating myself??? I know the answer to each is yes.
This fear keeps me paralysed and unable to pursue the dreams in my life. I don't do anything for fear that I won't be able to keep up the act. It's something I really have to work on combating if I intend to do anything meaningful in my life.
This is the journey that I am on.