Always The Last To Know
Posted on 2004-01-05
'Once again little girl, if you go looking for something, you can't be surprised when you find it.'
If you ask questions you already know the answers to, you can't feign shock. If you know it will hurt, if you know why you've avoided it, why you've never before opened those doors, you can't stare at your trembling hands, can't taste your tears and say you didn't know it would feel like this.
You knew and you knew, so did you and you, and now I find out that even you knew. Did you really need to confirm it for yourself??? Do you really need confirmation of any of this???
Secrets and wishes and longing that will never mean anything more than prolonged loss. These are things you already knew and you barged in looking for more. Why??? To make it real??? To assure yourself it's okay, that everything you're doing is right??? That it doesn't matter as long as it accomplishes that higher goal, that one thing that means more than anything??? More than the emptiness forming a cavern inside you, that place of fathomless sorrow and joy???
Or maybe you thought that if you could make it hurt more, you could somehow make it hurt less??? Well, the strange thing, the incomprehensible, impossibly true thing is - that's what happened.
The pain's not any less, but it now has a purpose. And the fact that it makes so much sense, makes everything else so much more frightening.