Loving Geoff
Posted on 2003-06-27
Some days I really don't know why I am writing this at all, or who exactly I'm writing for, except it is some kind of compulsion. What does it mean to be writing a 'personal' diary, yet needing the affirmation of visitors??? If I was a more pure soul, wouldn't I just be scrawling all these thoughts of mine into an exercise book that's kept in a box under my bed???
Anyway.....
Some wounds never really go away, not the oldest and deepest ones. And many, too many, of the oldest and deepest of them have been re-opened recently, melting together into a single dull throbbing ache in my chest.
Today, because of that ache, I've found myself thinking about Geoff. He was always the person that I turned to, and since I don't have him any more I keep everything bottled up inside. For the most part I do get things off my chest by writing here, but there are just some things that I can't even bring myself to talk about with my closest friends, let alone write on the internet.
As for me and Geoff, well we just didn't have enough time together.
There are very few people in life you encounter of whom you can tell right away that they carry a certain light inside them. A quiet but blinding light, a light that transforms any life that will look upon it; a light that made the whole world seem like a beautiful place as long as that light was a part of it.
Geoff had that light, and the world should have had it a lot longer.
I miss all the things he never had a chance to be, all the computer games he never got a chance to play, all the chinese food, (his favourite), that he never got to eat, the jokes I never got to hear, and the water fights I never got to lose. I miss teaching him how to play the violin, and him poking me in the ribs with the bow when I got too bossy. I miss the way he'd pick me up and carry me over puddles so my feet didn't get wet, or the way he'd go to the bar in nightclubs so I wouldn't get pushed and shoved in the queue, even though he'd just waited 10 minutes to get a round of drinks in. I miss all the things that would have been. I miss what I knew of him, and every part of his life that I was lucky enough to share with him.
But more than that, I miss everything that isn't there. I miss the life he never got to have, the bride he never got to meet and the children that he never got to father.
I miss the way he would seek out darkness in peoples lives in order to break it apart, allowing the sun to shine in and light the path to take - you knowing all the while that he would be there holding your hand.
The last time I saw him he gave me a huge hug. Not the kind of hug friends usually give each other, but the kind where you are so close you feel something radiating between you.
It's taken me a long time, but after reading what I've typed here I think I really loved him.
I still haven't let go.....