Words - They Hurt And They Heal
Posted on 2003-03-28
Words. They hurt and they heal. They make me smile, and they make me cry. They cause confusion, and they bring peace, and today words have stirred up all these things and more.
I got a text message from Mr B today telling me that he's decided to spend an extra day at his Dads so he wont be home until Sunday night, and the first thought that went though my head was one of relief. I know that sounds awful, but this past week has been great. I have been able to do what I want, when I want; without having to stop myself first and think '..... but if I do that then Mr B will......
I'm still no closer to sorting out my thoughts and deciding where I go from here. For all I know Mr B might have already made the decision for me, and to be honest I think that there's a part of me that secretly wishes he has; although I haven't really admitted that to myself yet.
The last few weeks I've found myself thinking about Mr Z a lot more than I probably should be. (I'm sorry but I'm not revealing his name here as I know that he reads my diary occasionally). I know that he is just a friend, and always will be, but I feel like I'm so much closer to him than I am to the person that is supposed to be my boyfriend. Mr Z knows all my 'secrets', my fears, my hopes and my dreams, and I can connect with him in a way that I haven't with anyone for a long time - not since Geoff really. We can laugh together, and cry together, but most importantly we can simply be ourselves. I don't have to watch what I say all the time, there's no arguments, no sarcastic comments and he accepts me for who I am, the way I am now. We talk on-line, via text messages and phonecalls. I have his photo on the cork board above my computer, and we send each other post too.
Don't worry, I haven't fallen for this guy, but his friendship has made me realise that there are a lot of things wrong with my relationship with Mr B, and I doubt that some of them can be resolved with a few carefully chosen words.