A Kick Up The A**
Posted on 2003-02-23
I'd been feeling a lot better the last few days; not healthwise, but happier, but then I went and talked to him.
I'm not going to keep going on about how far behind I am with my studies, but if you've been reading for a while you'll know that I am behind, and I am worried about it. I told him today that I feel like I've taken on too much, and that I'm concerned for my health. His reply.....
"..... stop being such a defeatist. You are never going to get anywhere if you give up at the first hurdle. This course is just what you need. It's the kick up the a** that you need to get yourself moving again, instead of laying in bed all day like you usually do. Isn't it about time you realised that you are never going to get better unless you do something about it?....."
I'm not giving up. I simply said that I was finding it harder than I thought I would, and that I would talk to my tutor about getting an extension for this essay - not all of them.
I guess I'm disappointed that he has so little faith in me. Instead of encouraging me, he's putting me down. Instead of understanding that it's harder for me than the others, he's telling me that it's just what I need to help 'sort my life out'.
Q. Why do I put up with this???
A. Because in my own messed up way I guess I still love him. I can't help it. I know he treats me like dirt at times. I know he can be insensitive with his remarks, and that he isn't that interested when I talk about doctors/hospitals/diets/medications etc, but at the same time I know that lately he has tried to be better.
The fact that he's trying gives me hope. It gives me something to work on and work towards, and during the last couple of days of happiness I've seen how much better he has been; but today was like it used to be. The arguing, the yelling and the tears. I don't want things to get bad again, but I don't know how to stop them.