Feeling Lower Than Low
Posted on 2002-11-30
I feel pretty empty today. I'm not sure what else I'm feeling, but it's certainly nothing good.
I wish I could talk to someone about my problems with my boyfriend. I'm not sure what to do anymore. Everything I try seems to be wrong and then things are even worse than they were before.
I wish I could ring my oldest friend Kelly, but I've kinda lost contact with her over the last year. We do talk occasionally, but it's not the same as before. Once that closeness has gone it's very hard to get back again. We've grown apart because each of us is so different now. Sometimes it feels as though we're complete strangers, and on the rare days that we do talk all we discuss is the old days.
My chest is full of loneliness and quite honestly I'm scared of the future..... or lack of one. I never thought I could fall this low. It's as if the world is crashing down around me, but really it's only me that's crashing and I'm unable to dig myself out of the rubble.
My Mum keeps asking me what's wrong, and I just keep telling her that I over done it by going out yesterday night. I don't (or rather I can't) tell her the truth. I know all of this is getting to her too, (she doesn't know everything about the problems with my boyfriend), and I hear her crying at night when she thinks I'm asleep. I know she's worried about me, but if I tell her how sad I am she'll only get more upset. I can't do that to her. I love her too much.
I want to be happy, and I think my heart wants to be too, but my head is controlling everything and it simply doesn't want to know.
Before I go I just wanted to let you know that the lady that fell a couple of days ago is fine, just a little bruised. Mum went round to make sure she was ok today as I couldn't stop worrying about her. The lady (I still don't know her name) has asked Mum to ask if I'd go and see her when I feel a little better, as she'd like to thank me personally for helping her. Apparently I have restored her faith in the younger generation, which I guess I can take as a compliment.
Anyway, hugs to all and an even bigger one to the person that sent me galaxy ;o)