Why???
Posted on 2002-11-29
That's it. I admit it. I'm totally and utterly stupid, with a capital S.T.U.P.I.D.
Mark, (my cousin), goes back to work next week after three weeks off so, he rang me to see if I wanted to go out and celebrate my birthday a week early. As I hadn't planned to do anything for my birthday anyway I called a few friends and arranged to meet them in a local bar this evening. Now I know I'm going to suffer tomorrow, but I figured that at least if I feel ill tomorrow I have got a week to try and get better in time for my actual birthday - I hope..... theres some logic in there somewhere.
Anyway, it's pretty obvious that Mr B came out too, but he began drinking with his work mates at 7:00pm so by the time me and Mark got to the pub he was well on his way to being drunk.
To cut a long story short I began to feel quite ill when I was out and said that I wanted to come home. Mr B asked me if I wanted to go back to his flat, but I was feeling so ill I said 'No, that I'd rather be at home in my own bed where I feel more comfortable'. This went down like a lead balloon and basically Mr B told me to stay in the effing pub with my effing friends and my effing cousin because I obviously don't give a damn about him, before he walked out in a strop. 15 minutes later I'd finished my coke and said goodbye to my friends. Mark offered to come to the taxi rank with me, but I insisted that I was fine and to stay and enjoy his last night of his holiday. Mr B was waiting outside for me. His first words were 'I wondered how long it would take before you came after me???' Grrrrr
I began to walk to the taxi rank and he started yelling after me, slagging me off and telling me that I'm selfish, and that all I care about is me, my home and my Mum..... that I'm not capable of having a relationship because I'm too cold hearted..... that I only think that I'm ill and that I use my M.E/CFS and depression as an excuse all the time. I really, really wanted to slap him and shout and scream, but I simply didn't say a word - just got in a taxi and came home. He's tried calling my mobile twice already but I refuse to answer. There's no point talking to him tonight, we are both too angry and he's pretty drunk. (I stuck to coke and lemonade all night. I learnt my lesson last time I decided to have some alcohol). Besides, what am I supposed to say??? I'm not just going to forget this ever happened like I have all the other times. Tonight was different. Tonight he slagged me off in front of my friends and family, and you know what they say - the truth always comes out when you're drunk. Well if he thinks so little of me, what is he doing with me??? This is something that I'm never going to forget.....
What if he's right though??? What if I am a bad person??? How much lower can I get???.....