Money?, Money?, Money?, What's That?
Posted on 2002-11-17
Hello All,
Todays been a bad day..... Nothing major happened, but I woke up today feeling very sad and tearful.
I'm such an idiot too!!!!! Earlier today I was talking to a friend, and got really upset by something that she said. Now I know this person didn't intentionally do anything wrong. In fact she didn't actually say anything wrong, I just over-reacted because something that came up in conversation hit a nerve. I know afterwards she could tell that there was something wrong, but at the time I didn't want to talk about it so this person assumed I was just missing Mr B (which I am, but thats another entry).
Now I do want to explain and I know this person reads my diary on and off, so in a way this entry is an explanation and an apology to her.
You see, when I first got sick I was working, and between me and Mum we were able to live quite comfortably. We weren't rich by any means, but we had a roof over our heads and food on the table, and for us that was enough.
The first year of me being sick wasn't too much of a problem. Mum cut down her hours at work so that she would be home with me in the afternoons, and we were still coping quite well financialy. Well we were until just after Christmas last year when we got a bill in that we found hard to pay and things just kind of went downhill from there.
At the moment our fridge freezer is broken, our washing machine is broken, and 2 plus sockets in the kitchen spark whenever you use them (which isn't very often now). Mum needs dental treatment as her filling fell out and now she's left it so long that now shes getting tooth-ache but we can't afford for her to go get it looked at; or repair or replace the items in the kitchen . At present we owe the bank money, as we got a bank loan to help cover last years bills, and both of us are overdrawn on our bank accounts. I also have storecards chasing for money, as well as this computer to finish paying for. We are basically living day to day. Our laundry is being done in our bath, or round at Mr B's flat, and Mum gets food every day on her way home from work.
I'm really NOT looking forward to Christmas the year.
I feel like a lot of this is my fault. I know I can't help things breaking, nor did I cause Mums filling to fill out, but if I was working we would be able to afford to sort these problems out and I would be able to give Mum more money towards bills and things. Don't get me wrong, I do help her at the moment, but as I'm on Incapacity Benefit I can't provide much. I feel so guilty. At my age I should be looking after my Mum, not adding to her problems.
Anyway, I care about this person a lot, and it worries me that I reacted so badly to something that was simply mentioned in conversation. She wasn't to know that it would trigger this huge feeling of guilt.
Sooner or later I seem to screw up just about every friendship, love, or relationship I come into contact with somehow. I'm not sure why this person always puts up with my moods and the way I act sometimes, I'm just thankful that she does. I have 5 special friends and this person is one of them. I never meant to act like a cow, and for you who this has been written for I am truely sorry. I promise to try harder and I hope that you aren't angry with me for too long.
I hope that all the rest of you are well today, and that you each had great weekends.