It's The Weekend And I'm Here Crying
Posted on 2002-11-16
I tried to sleep to pass some of my day, but it didn't work. Every time I closed my eyes I found myself thinking about all kinds of things. I tried to relax and listen to my stereo so that I would concentrate on the songs instead of what was going on in my head, but that didn't work either. I just couldn't block out all the negative thoughts that were going through my brain.
I could feel my heart rate and skip a few beats, and my body ached. I was laying there at one point and I honestly felt like I was going to have a seizure of some kind: it was so scary. My lungs don't want to work properly either, and my chest hurts when I take a breath. I had to remind myself to stop holding my breath and breathe properly.
The phone kept ringing tonight too. Each time I answered though the caller at the other end hung up without saying anything. This happened about 6 times before Mum suggested leaving it to go on to the answer phone, but each time I still picked up, praying that it would be one of my mates. Then it hit me..... it's Saturday night. No-one is going to call - they are all out enjoying themselves just like I used to, but instead of being with them I am cooped up in here.
Sometimes all this gets too much to take and I just want to say "sod it" and go out anyway. I know I'll feel 100 times worse afterwards but right now I don't really care! I feel like that's the only way I can feel halfway human - thats what reminds me to keep breathing. For you it's probably a weekly occurrence, for me it's something to aim towards.
I really wish I could let myself go and be the person I used to be, instead of the 'thing' that this illness feeds off of.
Some people can get themselves to forget something: for me trying to forget just reminds me.