Mr B's Birthday
Posted on 2003-01-20
Boy am I pleased today is nearly over!
For some reason I woke up at 8:15am which is very unusual for me. I decided that now was probably a good time to read 'Cheers', the magazine from AYME, and I really enjoyed it. I atually managed to read the whole thing from cover to cover in one sitting.
As I predicted yesterday I feel even worse today. I knew that going into the town centre was a bad idea, but I had to get Mr B a birthday card and present. I would have felt so guilty if I didn't get him anything at all. The only reason I went into town was to see the doctor at the NHS Walk In Centre and if I hadn't gone there Mr B definately wouldn't have got a present at all. I kept putting off going shopping, hoping that I'd feel better tomorrow, but tomorrow never came. I suppose it was lucky for him that I got more sick.
As I said yesterday I was supposed to be going for a meal tonight with Mr B and his family. All day I was in two minds whether to go or not. I knew if I didn't go I'd feel guilty - afterall it is his birthday, but by going I didn't want to make myself more sick than I already am. Decisions, decisions.....
In the end I went, but I wish I hadn't now. I know that seems cruel, heartless and selfish, but most of the night I sat at the table really quiet and wishing that the waitress would hurry up and take our order, or that the food would be served quickly or that everyone would gobble their food up like greedy pigs. It was really smokey even though we were in the no smoking section, and it was really hot and noisy. The longer I sat there the worse I felt, but I had to try and put on a brave face. I don't think I was fooling anyone though. I turned a funny shade of green when the food finally did arrive, and I literally had to force myself to nibble at something. It was such a waste of money as most of my food was left sitting on my plate. The waitress kept asking me if there was anything wrong with the food, and I got really embarassed. I eventually tried to push all the leftovers to one side so it looked like I'd eaten more than I really had! I kept apologising to Mr B's parents for not eating much, but they said they understood and it was the fact that I went which mattered, but I still felt bad - they were paying afterall.
All in all I was in the restaurant for nearly 2 1/2 hours, but that was long enough for me. I feel like I want to go back to bed for a week or two, but I doubt I'd sleep..... that's the bum deal. That's what it's like living with M.E/CFS day after day. Sometimes I think guilt should be another symptom for M.E/CFS, not just another emotion.