Pandora's Box
Posted on 2005-10-31
The CAT aspect of my combined therapy sessions is proving to be much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. Not that I thought it would be easy, just not this demanding I suppose.
My assigned therapist has now read the Psychotherapy File, which I had to complete for last weeks homework, and I'm more than a little uncomfortable with what it has revealed about me. Having said that though, I know that everything my therapist is saying in his evaluation and write up is 100% accurate.
Admitting that in itself is hard enough, and yet I also know that in order to move forward I have to accept what the Psychotherapy File has revealed, and see past the negative and unattractive barriers I've built around me to protect myself. I can't describe it. I know that in the long-term CAT & CBT will benefit me, but at the moment it's a little like opening Pandora's box. I have no idea what I've been keeping in my subconscious all these years, and now that the truth is emerging I'm not sure how best to handle it.
What I am most scared of, I think, is sliding back down the slippery slopes into the depths of depression. I've been there, and I climbed out of that pit after two long, tough years. I don't want my recovery from that to be compromised, and yet I'm already feeling more vulnerable than I was four weeks ago.
In some respects it's like my positive and negative emotions are playing tug-of-war within me, and the winner is forever changing from one minute to the next.
Still, I know that the others in 'The Gang' are experiencing similar fears, and in a strange way that's a comfort.