Shy Away
Posted on 2005-01-25
There are a lot of 'I's' in these pages, especially in this page alone, but then I suppose that's what keeping a diary is all about.
I once bought a book about shyness, or overcoming shyness. I was a teenager then, and it actually intrigued me that such a book existed. I probably still have it somewhere, although I'm not sure where it is at the moment. Put away and forgotten about no doubt.
It made for some interesting reading, I admit, and I found out that there were two kinds of shyness: public shy and private shy. I suppose I fell under the public shy category as I was usually more than willing to hide myself away - especially after what happened with Sam. I wasn't the lone ranger. There were many of us, teenagers, men and women alike, with crippling shyness. Again, it made for interesting reading, but that was about it - there wasn't really any useful advice or handy hints to help you overcome your problem. I guess for me it was one of those phases teenagers go through sometimes.
I am a keeper of secrets. And I've kept one or two secrets about myself very well. My once private thoughts are now public knowledge, and my once private deeds are now being brought back out into the open. But they are not really left out in the open for all. It appears that I am still careful with how much of myself I share with others. I guess it is easier to write truths than to live them, and easier to write about your fears than it is to overcome them. I lived within walls of my own making, and I know that often I still do.
I am open in the privacy of my own home, and I am private when I am out in the open. I think I'm writing these pages because I want to build a bridge between the two. And you know what??? Slowly but surely I think I am getting there, although perhaps at times I hold myself back, I'm afraid to push myself further. There is a tug-of-war being played and I am on both ends.
In time, each word..... each syllable..... each letter..... will pave the way for me. Some bridges just take a long time to be built.