Another Year, Another Mood, Another Card
Posted on 2004-10-20
There is an emptiness inside that I can't explain. Or I think I can, but why bother to explain anything??? Life is now. Life was also then, and more of life is yet to happen.
I am prone to 'moods', that is true. Over the last few years I have changed - sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse - and I have slowly, but ever so surely, evolved into a stronger, [and yet, perhaps bitter???], woman. And yet I am not so strong. Not really. And thank God I am not too bitter. Jaded perhaps, because of life's experiences and observations. Maybe bitter is too strong a word to use.
And in the middle of all of this, I weep every so often - for the person that I was, and the person I want to be. Just because you have followed all the rules - or think you have anyway - and followed the right path, it still does not mean that you will have all of your heart's desires.
Life happens. Life goes on. Life slows down. And then it speeds up - especially when everything around you changes and you remain the same, and you're left wondering where the time went. It didn't speed up on purpose. It just happened.
And some of you might be wondering what's brought on these feelings???
16th October 2000. The day that I first became ill. A date that's etched in my brain and that I dread every single year, for each time it comes around it reminds me just how much of life I'm missing out on.
Then there's the inevitable card from Geoffs parents which I knew without a doubt would arrive at the beginning of October, the same as it always does. Like last year I've resisted opening the envelope so far, but the temptation always gets me in the end. I guess part of me can't help hoping that one year I'll receive an apology for being used as a scapegoat for their anger all these years.
How long will it take me to crack this time I wonder???