Fear Personified
Posted on 2004-08-15
I was brought into this world. I was loved, raised, fed, clothed, nurtured, nourished, educated, touched, befriended, understood, misunderstood, discovered.....
I laughed when I was happy, I cried when I was sad or angry. I smiled, I frowned..... I was a mischevious child, delighting in pulling things apart to see what was inside.
I was introduced to books, music, art, sandcastles, play dough, cinema, boys.....
I was introduced to heartache, regret, rebellion - even quiet rebellion. And I was introduced to fear.
It is just a word, but it holds so much. It holds me in it's grasp. It tightens around my chest making it difficult to breathe at times.
Fear personified. Give it a name, any name. Simply calling it 'the fear' is enough for me, for that's what it is, what it was, and what it always will be. The fear which rules my life, the fear which inhibits. The fear which I know I have to overcome.
I write this for myself. I write this because I still fear, and fear brings with it it's cronies: doubt, insecurity, uncertainty and lack of self confidence.
How is it possible to meet something halfway, when it can't even be seen???? How is it possible to overcome something that engulfs me at times, that even impedes my progress???
Even when I have tasted success, it is difficult to move on, for the fear of failure is so great and uppermost in my mind, that there is a possibility that I may fail the next time.....
The fear seems intent on devouring me. It seeks me out, hungry for me. And there I wait like a sitting duck, wondering what will happen next.
Fear begets uncertainty, which begets laziness, which begets..... what???
And so what if I fail??? So what???
I do not possess a brilliant mind. If I do, [a big, improbable IF], I don't know it. But there have been times when I have experienced success, yet it always came with that impending doom that I might fail.
In order to taste success, I have to risk failure. In order to make progress in whatever I undertake, I have to keep going at it, pushing forward, learn not only from my failures, but also from my successes. Learn always.
The fear is there. Waiting for me, teasing me, even beckoning to me. I can't, I shouldn't - I should just turn around and walk away. But no, this is me, and I have to face it. I have to. Then it'll become easier to breathe. Then life will be easier to live with.
I write this for myself. I write this because I have to.
But what is it I'm so afraid of???