The Still Of The Night
Posted on 2004-08-08
Crying is nothing new to me. Tears fall easily, too easily at times. When a misunderstanding occurs, I wonder whose fault it is.
Maybe it's me, maybe I'm the one who misreads or misrepresents. Maybe I'm the one who doesn't know how to take control of a situation, who would rather bow out - either awkwardly or gracefully - rather than be in the middle of an unpleasant situation.
But however much I dislike it, the unpleasantness occurs, and I'm left at the end wondering why it ever happened in the first place, why emotionally I cower and retreat, why another is able to reduce me to a crumpled heap in a corner - figuratively - sobbing in the still of the night.
A special occasion marred by a misunderstanding in a public place, followed by another misunderstanding in private, during what was supposed to have been an intimate moment. Perhaps the intimacy frightened me, afraid of what it might lead to. So I was left to myself, left alone and bewildered. Left alone and crying, with all the why's in my head.
This happened years ago and still I remember it. And why would I want to remember it??? Because it happened. Because in my dreams it still happens. And because as much as I don't want to admit it I tend to hold on to negativity.
Love is a huge word for it encompasses so much. And I thought that I loved, in fact I know that I do. But if that's true then why don't I trust enough??? Why don't I reach out even more??? It couldn't always be me, could it??? Another tends to forget, but I remember. Perhaps that is my curse, this elephant's memory that I have, for it only serves to remind me not only of the good, but also the bad and unfortunate incidents that have come and gone.
Does a deep depression paralyse me sometimes??? It does. I know it does. And it has.
Is it me??? Is it just me??? I've asked that many times. And many times, like yesterday, in the quiet of the night, I wonder if the answer will come to me.