Broken
Posted on 2004-05-17
I was a curious child I think, or maybe I had a destructive streak in me, I don't know.
I remember a lamp that we used to have when I was growing up. It was a fiber optic lamp, and I remember looking for hours at the spray of fibers which lit up when the lamp was turned on. I was intrigued with its perfection, and I wondered how everything was put together.
Was it the beginning of a scientific career??? Hardly. My mind wondered, and my hands cooperated. So I pulled out a handful of the strands, therefore ruining their perfect formation. When I tried to put the strands back again it looked awful and messy. It was no longer picture perfect. I had ruined it. I hadn't exactly broken it, as the strands still lit up when the power was switched back on, but because it wasn't as pretty as it once was. I felt that I had broken it. It was my own fault I know, but I couldn't resist it. I just had to take it apart.
On another occasion, [I think it might have been Christmas], I was given a doll by one of my relatives. It was a sweet looking thing in a blue dress, her blonde hair in thick plait down her back. A perfect plait. And I wondered 'if I untie the doll's hair, could I plait it again???'. I removed the ribbon and the dolls hair fell loosely down her back, but I didn't like the way it looked. The plait had looked much better. But when I tried to plait it again it wasn't perfect anymore. It used to be perfect until I got my hands on it, but not any more. I had ruined it.
It was as if I couldn't leave well enough alone. My mind was curious. My hands were curious. And together they destroyed.
And now..... there are still broken things among my belongings. Broken in a temper tantrum, a private rage when no one else was around. Broken hearts. Maybe a broken relationship in need of repair, or one that is slowly breaking at least. Maybe it was never perfect in the first place, but it's as near to perfect as I'll ever get I think. And even then I couldn't appreciate it enough.
But I'm not the only one who breaks things surely???
Am I so broken inside that I only see the broken things, the fragments left behind???
I broke things as a child. And now??? And now..... well, unintentionally I still do.