Possible Progress
Posted on 2003-10-02
I can't believe it's October already. In some ways this year has flown by, yet at the same time I feel as though I haven't achieved anything over the last 12 months. I'm still as ill as I was this time last year, the only difference is this year I have more friends, more support and a new therapist.
I've been awful at updating this past month or so since I came home from hospital. Writing has always been the one thing that has helped keep me semi-sane, but recently I've not had much enthusiasm for that either. I know this could, in part, be put down to the depression, but when I saw my psychiatrist this past Tuesday she was so pleased with my progress with Kate that she feels that I no longer need to see her as well. Maybe I am making progress but I just can't see it.....
Obviously I'm pleased that I don't have to go back, I mean nobody likes to seeing a psychiatrist do they??? Besides, I get on so much better with Kate. Everything is so much more relaxed during the sessions I have with her and I can talk to her, whereas with the psychiatrist I always felt like I was under a microscope. Maybe this is why I seem to be doing so much better with Kate than I did with all the other therapists I've seen in the past???
It's nearly the anniversary of Geoffs death and I know I'm not going to cope too well - I never do. About this time each year I get a card from his parents reminding me and blaming me for his death, which I find that just as distressing as the fact that Geoff is no longer here with me anymore. Anyone that knows me or reads my diary will know how much I loved him, and how much I still do, yet nothing I say will change his parents opinion of me. In their eyes I may as well have held the knife and stabbed him myself that's how strongly they feel.
Anyway, I feel guilty enough..... I don't need their constant reminders. I blame me too, and I've been in therapy long enough to know that this is probably part of the reason I'm finding it so hard to let go.
Maybe one day soon I'll write an update about what actually happened, but I'm still not ready yet. It's taken years for me to admit this much to you, and to myself, and I truly believe I have Kate to thank for that. Gradually shes bringing me out of my shell, but I'm not liking everything that's being uncovered. Some of the memories were kept buried for a reason, and talking about them is only making me feel worse, but then 'they' say that 'things' have to get worse before they get better don't they.....????