For An Old Friend
Posted on 2003-08-02
Your voice seems so far away, so distant, almost cold. Maybe you don't mean it, maybe you don't realise you're hurting me, but regardless that's exactly what you do.
You don't warm up to the conversational tone I try so hard to maintain. There is a slight uncomfortable silence; like that of two strangers who have accidentally collided into one another, before you clear your throat and change the subject. That was not the silence of old friends. Everything's changed.
No matter how hard you try to deny it, no matter how much you try and hide it, avoid it, dodge it, it doesn't matter. There's no need to hide any more, our relationship has changed. Get over that stage of denial or refusal, I'm facing the truth; so should you.
The silences said it all. There used to be warmth lingering in the air when we stopped talking. There used to be this blanket of safety and security whenever silence fell upon us. We would be safe in the knowledge that we were each others confidantes, friends.
Were. Did you noticed I used the past tense???
It's different now. You were open and welcoming. Talking to you was like coming home after a long journey. It was like stepping into a safe haven built just for the two of us to share our secrets, excitement, dreams and fears.
But now??? Things have changed; you've changed. You claim you aren't two faced, or hypocritical, but I'm not so sure any more. All I realise is that now, talking to you is like talking to a brick wall. Now we speak in short sentences, speaking with fast words so there's no time for emotions to interfere, no time for that almost silent sob to shock you. Almost in monotone, as though scared of waking your own thoughts, as though frightened of waking those restlessly sleeping feelings.
You always make an effort to sound cheerful, as though you are not preoccupied with something else; but then the tone fails miserably and trails away as you take your hasty, but relieved leave.
You go to special lengths to make me feel as though I am still what I was to you the last time we spoke, but I know I'm not. Don't bother trying to cover it up.
All those walks we had, do you still remember them??? They are fading slowly, turning from golden rainbows of coloured snapshots and photographs to dark, dull negatives hanging to dry. Those memories, do you cherish them??? Slipping away in my grasp, laughing mockingly. Was I nothing more to you than a tool??? All those things I told you, brought up from the depths of my heart, do you still remember them???
I used to think highly of you, used to count you among my closest friends, but you've changed, and you're not the only one - I've changed too. Our relationship, so close knit last time, is slowly dying, like a plant that has not been watered, but instead thrown aside.
You never come here anymore, but even if you did read these words, you wouldn't realise that this is about you. To you, blissfully ignorant, there is no such thing as a subtle hint.
But no matter, my patience has not run out yet. I shall try to remember what I learnt from you; keep a smile on your face and no one shall know, (or guess) what your thoughts and emotions truly are.
Go ahead with your new friends, and your new dreams. I wish you every happiness in the years to come.
Leave me in this place, in this time. I shall watch you until you are out of sight. But remember, I'll be here if you need me.