Remembering The Past
Posted on 2003-07-31
I am starting to fear this silence that I have grown accustomed to. I am starting to fear the absence of life. I took solace in this loneliness for so long and I revel in my empty space where nobody can touch me.
Therapy with Kate is getting harder each week, and it's taking me longer to get over my appointments each time. I love her for the effort and time she is putting into helping me, yet at the same time I find myself hating her for dragging up my ghosts. Brick by brick she is trying to pull down the wall I built to protect myself, and as each is removed I want to withdraw into myself even more.
At the moment talking to me about my past is like trying to draw blood from a stone. I can state the facts in sequence, but I can't explain what I went through then, or what I still am going through now. I can't justify my behaviour.
It would almost seem as though I've detached myself from the fact that these things happened to me, if it weren't for the pain reminding me this isn't the case.