Hissy Fit
Posted on 2003-05-23
Part of me wants go to back 24 hours and delete yesterdays entry. A lot of what I said was written in anger, and written out of self pity, and on reflection I feel guilty for sharing those thoughts with anyone that read them. I needed to get a few things off my chest though, and my diary allowed me to do that.
When I write about being sick and upset I don't do it because I want people to feel sorry for me and shower me with sympathy, nor do I write because I think my problems are worse than anyone elses. I write because I can, because it's one of the few things I can still do unaided, and because I want people to know more about M.E/CFS.
I know that I am lucky in many ways. I have a home, family that love me, and friends that would do anything for me, but yesterday I wanted more than that.
I also know I was being selfish, but yesterday I wanted to lead a 'normal' life more than anything. I wanted a better life than the one I'm living. A life that will allow me to eat what I feel like without worrying whether I'll be sick or not afterwards. A life where I can earn my own money, spend my days surrounded by other people, and my weekends hanging out with my friends.
I've decided to talk to my University about deferring my course until next year. By then I will have hopefully sorted out the problems that I have been experiencing with the University software, and I will also have been provided with the equipment that was recommended at my disability assessment back in March. I'm just finding things so much harder to cope with at the moment.
I cant help feeling angry that my illness is preventing me from continuing with my studies this year, but once again I know deep down inside that I'm doing the right thing by quitting. My health has been on an even steeper downward slide the last couple of months and it�s just been one thing after another, infection after infection. I guess you could say that yesterday I was like the proverbial elastic band and I finally snapped. As much as I hate to admit it, I was hysterical - Mum had to slap me to stop me screaming, and my neighbour came round to see if everything was ok because he could hear me screaming, yelling and sobbing through the walls. I'm mortified that someone else heard me in such a state, but no matter how embarrassed I am, today I feel better for throwing a hissy fit.
Now I can get back to being 'normal'..... that's my normal - whatever that is.....???
Oh, and 'D.L', if you're reading this, thank you for keeping me sane at 3:00am, this cookie munching cockney vampire is glad to have a friend like you in her life, and to everyone else that has left me words of support and encouragement thank you for believing in me too.