Frustrated
Posted on 2003-05-14
I'm beginning to wonder if I done the right thing by refusing to go to the hospital last week. I'm still barely eating, and I'm mostly existing on water and 'fresh air'.
The fact that I'm not eating isn't what's worrying me though. These phases of nausea/starvation come and go, and whilst it's not pleasant it's a familiar problem. It's the weakness and frailty that is causing me concern right now.
Take this afternoon for example. I wanted to get a CD from my bedroom, which meant I needed to go upstairs. Just walking from my front room to the stairs was enough to wear me out and leave me breathless though, so I sat on one of the bottom steps to get my breath back. 5 minutes later I found I couldn't get up - I was stuck. The muscles in my legs weren't strong enough to hold me as I pulled myself upright, and I ended up falling in a heap, spraining my wrist in the process. I had to call my Mum to help me sit up and eventually stand. Most of the time we laugh at how I managed better when I was a baby, but today I just felt completely useless and burst into tears of frustration.
I know that my Mum would never not help me, but it's embarrassing and humiliating having to ask for help all the time. People that know me well know how stubborn and independent I am. I'm not used to giving in and having to rely on someone else so much, and for some reason I have an awful feeling I'm going to get much worse before I get better.
I just hope that the referral for physiotherapy comes through quickly.