Afraid
Posted on 2003-04-20
This is why I lose patience with myself. I can't ever just be glad for what I've got. Always, in the back of my mind, I have something that I'm afraid of.
I'm mildy terrified at the moment because previously, these past few days since my split with Mr B, would have crushed me. There would have been all kinds of badness - both inside and outside me; butI still feel relatively stable. You know, the kind of the way I imagine a 'normal person' would feel under these exact same circumstances. Worried, upset, angry, sad, tired, or whatever other emotion; but not out of control and praying for deep dreamless sleep.
I know that my medication is one thing holding me upright, and that's a good thing. And maybe, possibly just a little, I'm holding me upright too. Yet I'm still scared because I can almost taste it - the inevitable. I can almost feel the rush, and crush, and crash of me falling.
Again.
And I wonder too, if I'm always going to feel afraid like this. I wonder if I'll always have a reason???