What Am I Saying???
Posted on 2003-04-11
I can't begin to count or comprehend the number of ways I have changed since he became a significant part of my life. Every day the changes are evident in one way or another. Usually they are evident only to myself..... or so I believe, anyway.
I realise things, and then I forget them again. Some days I see the world with greater clarity than ever before, and other days I feel as though I am straining to see through a swirling mist. Some days I float in a pool of calm, content with where I am and who I am, while other days I turn and stumble and cry. I have learned, gained, lost and grown, and in getting to know him, I became so much better acquainted with myself. For that I guess I should thank him.
I know I have my fears and insecurities. I fear making myself vulnerable, only to be rejected. I fear appearing a fool, in my own eyes or in the eyes of others. I ridicule myself, belittle myself..... and then turn around and tell myself I shouldn't, because I am important, and what I think and feel does matter - if not to me, then to someone.
But then something will happen to grant me a broader perspective once more. I feel guilty for thinking my issues are such a big deal, and for being so self-absorbed and self-pitying, when all I have to do is turn around and there is someone quietly suffering through much more than I have ever had to deal with. Everywhere I turn there are people who humble me, people for whom I have so much sympathy and admiration. People who I feel like turning to and saying "please, can you forgive me for thinking my petty issues were important???"
I want to be taken seriously, yet I am afraid to be taken seriously. I want to be open, yet I don't want to be. I want to tell him so many things and ask him so many questions..... yet I am afraid of what he might say in reply. Do I really want to put myself though that???
I often feel frustrated that I never seem able to put into words the things I think and feel. I have said a lot, and yet I haven't even said a fraction of it. I am at a loss..... How can I capture what I am trying to say as a whole???
Why do I want you to understand???
I don't know. Maybe it's because I want someone to understand my words, when I don't seem able to myself - maybe then someone can explain to me what I'm trying to say.
[The 'he' in this entry is, of course, Mr B.]