Home At Last
Posted on 2003-03-11
As I predicted yesterday I didn't get much sleep last night. I kept thinking about the journey ahead of me, and felt completely restless. I think I finally dropped off to sleep at about 5:00am.
The travelling was worse that I had expected it to be. In total it took me about 2 1/4 hours to get to the assessment center, and at least 45 minutes of that entailed me having to walk, (with plenty of rests in between). Some of the trek even took me up Oxford Street, and this in itself was a major nightmare!!! Walking up one of Londons most famous roads isn't easy at the best of times no matter who you are. It's always packed full of tourists, street sellers, pick-pockets, traffic and lots and lots of people, but for someone who finds it hard to walk normally anyway, and that suffers panic attacks when in crowds, it's definately 100 times worse. I'm glad I had my Mum with me, but quite a few times we got separated in the sea of people which made me panic even more.
The assessment itself went really well. Ian, the guy that was actually carrying out the assessment, was really helpful and kind, and didn't try to rush me at all. This in itself made me feel quite relaxed and less nervous, and after about 15 minutes we were laughing and joking as if we'd known each other for ages. He explained that his job was to discuss my Uni course with me, and try to come up with suggestions for equipment which might help me find studying with The Open University a lot easier and less stressful. After about an hour and the half he'd come up with the following suggestions:
+ A laptop computer - this would enable me to work whilst I'm in bed and when I feel too sick to sit up for long periods of time, (this happens a lot, but I force myself out to bed to come on-line and study/write my diary/chat to friends/read e-mails etc).
+ Read and Write - the laptop would have a programme called read and write already installed, along with Microsoft Office. The Read and Write software will read text to you so that you don't have to do any reading yourself. i.e - I could scan this diary entry into the system, and it would read it back to me like another person would. It would also read through my essays for me too and pick up any spelling mistakes or typing errors.
+ A height adjustable table - Ian described this to me, and it sounds like one of the tables which you would find in a hospital ward. I think it's similar to the tables which can be wheeled over the beds so that people can eat or write comfortably.
+ A desk - I've never had a 'proper' desk the whole time I've had my desktop pc. Instead I 'borrowed' the dining room table, but my pc has been here ever since. As there's only the two of us at home it hasn't been a problem - we just shift the keyboard when we want to eat, but this isn't ideal for studying long term, and it's also pretty uncomfortable too. As this isn't good for my posture and I begin to ache Ian has also recommended a 'proper' desk chair too, which should fully support my back and make me sit in the 'correct' position.
+ A drawing board - This is like the ones which graphic designers use. It tilts at an angle so that I wont be all hunched up when I'm trying to write my notes, or draft an essay.
+ Comb bound books, and transcript tapes - these are pretty self explanatory, but would make things so much easier for me.
+ Arrange a home visit by one of the technical support team to install Firstclass, (the Open University software), onto my pc as after numerous phonecalls and e-mails I still can't get it working properly. The tech guys think it's because I use XP, so instead I'm stuck with having to use the on-line version which isn't that reliable.
I think that's everything.....
Ian is now going to send a report to the Uni with his recommendations, and if all the above is agreed by them too I should get the equipment within a month. What suprised me though is that apparently all of this will be mine to keep and I don't have to pay a penny extra. I'm wondering if this is a mistake - I mean all the items that have been suggested are pretty expensive, and I can't really see them buying a laptop for me somehow. It'd be nice though!!!
The journey home was even worse. There were no seats on the tube so I had to stand all the way back to Victoria train station, and I felt completely exhausted. As it was rush hour everyone kept pushing and shoving each other, nobody looked where they were going and kept walking right out in front of me, then we missed a train. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but I found all that happened to me today really overwhelming and I found myself crying my eyes out in the middle of the station. My legs felt like lead, my head ached, I was tired, I felt sick, my heart rate went soaring through the roof so I began getting heart palpitations, and I literally didn't think I could walk down the platform to get on the train which would finally take me home. This is the only way I can explain how I was feeling - imagine running a marathon and being able to see the finishing line, but after running the final 100 meters someone moves the finishing line further away over and over again, and this keeps on happening until your body screams 'no more!!!'.
I ended up sitting there on the floor of the station while Mum went off to get us a drink as there weren't any seats available, and someone threw a �1 coin at me. I think they thought I was homeless. I didn't know whether to laugh or feel insulted, but it gave me the determination to get up off my butt and finish the rest of the journey.
I got home about 4 hours ago, and I am relieved, overwhelmed and exhausted. I feel like I've achieved something though, despite the struggle, and that's one of the best feelings in the world.