The Lump
Posted on 2003-02-17
I feel so, so scared right now. Earlier when I had a shower I noticed that there was a tender spot on my neck, and when I looked in the mirror I could see that theres a lump beginning to form again.
The first time it appeared I saw my GP who advised me to keep an eye on it for a few days and to return if it didn't go away on its own. I have no idea what it was, where it came from or why it decided to lodge itself in my neck, but after about 10 days it disappeared and I put it down to being 'one of those things'. All I know now is that my neck has been sore for days, and this 'lump' has re-appeared.
The reason I am so scared is pretty straight forward. When I was 14 my Gramdmother was diagnosed with Lymphoma (a form of cancer which spreads via your Lymph glands). She was tired all the time, felt sick a lot, began losing weight, and she suffered from shortness of breath. I experience these exact same symptoms as part of my M.E, and although I have been tested, and tested, re-tested and tested again for many many illnesses which could have similar symptoms as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, I am still afraid. Afraid that something has been overlooked; that a test that should have been done hasn't, or that a test that has been done showed something and was missed in error.
I know I'm probably over-reacting, but when you have been sick for as long as I have it's worrying when you experience something unusual or new. You fall into a pattern. You know how your body feels and how it is going to react to certain climates or situations. Feeling 'better' can be worrying at times, you don't know what lies ahead or how long you are going to feel 'well' for, but strange symptoms and new lumps are so much worse.
I know the right thing to do would be to get an appointment with my doctor as soon as possible, but what if she agrees with me??? What if she thinks that there is a need to have more tests carried out??? I've got used to living the way I do at the moment. I know that my future is uncertain, and that I have to take each day as it comes, but I don't think I'd be able to cope with going through more check-ups, more needles, more swabs, blood, and pain.
People say that I am strong, that I am brave, and that I cope with things well, but everyone has a breaking point. A point at which their bodies say 'no more'. I'm getting dangerously close to the edge.
I'm scared!