Broken
Posted on 2003-01-25
I think I drive 'him' crazy. We are two very different people, but so similar at the same time.
I think my moods have become tedious, and for this I can only say I'm sorry. I don't mean to be the way I am, and at times like this I wish I were different. I wish I didn't cry to myself at night, and I wish I were never sad. I wish that I could express all my thoughts and feelings to 'him', but I can't. I try and I try and I try, the words just won't come - maybe because I am terrified that he won't understand, or that he will and he won't approve, or that..... I don't even know.
I want to stay closed off, it's so much safer this way, not as terrifying as letting someone in. He says I'm the one he wants, but I don't think I'll ever be the one that he needs, and every once in a while doubt sets in and colours everything gray. Maybe he's lonely and I'm just 'something to do', or maybe he likes thinking he has someone to push around. After a while though I feel bad for even thinking that, but sometimes I feel so small and insignificant around him. So plain. So boring. So dumb.
I never know what to say when I talk to him now, for fear that I will say the wrong thing. He asked me once to never be anyone but myself around him, but lately I am confused as to who that even is. I've done things recently that I never thought I would, and it leaves me feeling weird being in my own skin. How have I come to this, the person I am now??? I'm here, but I feel as if I'm lost, because I can't seem to understand my own feelings anymore. I just keep selling out the truth and repackaging the lies in order to save other people's feelings, and to stop them worrying about me.
Maybe I'm just broken and I can't be fixed. I am feeling so incomplete. I just want to find a nice little hiding place away from the world so I can stabilize my emotions and pull myself together again, because all of a sudden it's become too much for me. I'm done, I'm totally fucked up, and I'm ready to break.
Not that I need to tell him that, for I think he already knows. Maybe this is what he wanted all along???