Manipulation
Posted on 2003-01-23
Lately I haven't been able to open up to Mr B and tell him what's really been going on in my mind. I reckon that deep down inside, what with all the arguements that have been going on, I haven't felt able to pour out my inner most thoughts and fears. He says that if I open up to him though then he will feel more like a part of my life, so like a fool I told him a few things that have been bothering me; some to do with him and the way he behaves towards me, some about my illness, some about my Uni course. I don't know why I bothered!
Once again he threw my words back in my face and tried to blame me for things that I have no control over. I opened myself and I was hurt, but he probably doesn't even realise it because he's so wrapped up in himself. Again I made a mistake; the same mistake that I have promised myself in the past that I would never make again. This day shall be bookmarked as a reminder, a reminder of what will happen if I open myself up to him again. I shall wear my 'happy mask' in his company and pretend that everything is ok. I shall never reveal to him again how I really feel on the inside. It's lonely in here, but I don't want his company - at least not with my thoughts anyway. Every time I open up and let him in he kills another little piece of me, but he can't see the murder that he's committed, and he'll never know because I'm not going to tell him. Bit by bit he's killing my trust, my hope and my belief that things will be different, but they never are. I just keep living in hope. It's always the same story over and over again, the ending will never change no matter how much I wish it will.
I shall continue to exist, but my spirit shall remain hidden from him; if he knows how I feel he'll only use that against me and try to manipulate me. I'll put on my happy face just for him and pretend that I'm ok. Too bad he wont ever realise what he's done - I've already hidden my spirit from him.