Coping..... (I Think)
Posted on 2002-12-28
I think the boyfriend realises that he's not going to win the fight over New Years Eve on his own, so he's enrolled his Mum and his Sister to help him win the war!
Apparently I have been invited to the boyfriends Aunts for New Year, and although I have nothing against her personally, I don't fancy driving for 3 hours to spend the night with a lot of drunken people I don't know, only to spend another 3 hours driving back again the following day. I mean I can't even handle going 5 minutes up the road most of the time, so how on earth am I going to cope with three hours in a car??? He knows that I don't want to go anywhere for New Years Eve, but he also knows that I wont ever do anything to upset his family either - hence the phonecalls I received from his Mum and Sister. Grrr, why can't he just accept that I don't WANT to go out???
Every time I see or hear about other people going out and having fun I get so jealous. I would love to be able to go out and celebrate with my friends, dance to cheesy pop songs and get drunk, but no matter how much my brain would like this my body will never forgive me. On the rare occasions I do go to the pub I see others around me laughing and joking and I just want to burst into tears; their actions remind me of what I am no longer able to do.
The boyfriend came out with another classic line which proves he doesn't understand me. I quote:
'When you first went on the anti-depressants it was supposed to be an aid to help you sleep..... then you wouldn't stop crying and ended up being referred to a psychiatrist..... (this isn't strictly true - I was referred to the psychiatrist so that I could be referred on to an M.E/CFS specialist and/or have Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Occupational Therapy, not because I was considered as suffering from depression at that time; although I have now been told that I am suffering a form of depression due to my illness)..... and now you can't stop taking the pills. You're becoming addicted to them. You think they are helping you, but they're not. A year ago you were lonely, bored, sick, frustrated and angry, but now you have me, (as in him), and your Open University course to keep you going. You aren't depressed, you just like to believe you are.....'
How fucked up is that??? According to him I should no longer depressed because I have a Uni course and a boyfriend. Hmmm, yeah right!
If anything these two things are making me feel worse. I'm worried that I wont be able to keep up with the work needed for my course, and that ultimately I will fail my exams due to lack of said work, and we all know the problems I'm having with 'him' right now..... I can't believe half the things that come out of his mouth nowadays. Every time he tries to prove he listens to me he just shows me the complete opposite. I'm not going to be 'happy' because 'I'm doing something to keep me occupied'. I still need friends, health, understanding, support, encouragement, and advice just as much as the next person, and I will still have all the bad memories from my past. Nothing is going to take them away from me, I need to face the ghosts head on and tackle each one day, and one problem at a time.
He just doesn't understand at all.....