Re-Living The Past
Posted on 2002-12-14
There is so much more to me than my depression and my M.E but it is so hard for others to see past that right now.
I've often thought about writing about some other parts of my life, things that happened to me before I became ill, but most of that was bad too. I sometimes wonder if I wrote about what happened to me that some diarylanders would laugh in my face or think that I was making stuff up to get a sympathy vote. I don't. I wouldn't. I may be a lot of things but I'm not a liar. I write in here to try and get the crap thoughts out of my head so that I can try and get better; so that I can try and cope with my depression better.
I wrote an e-mail to someone yesterday telling them some of the things that happened to me before I began writing here, and now I feel so embarassed and ashamed. It wasn't even a close friend that I told. I thought that pouring my heart to someone who hardly knows me would be easier, but now I'm worried that I have just given this person a bad impression of me. I'm not a bad girl really, I just made a lot of mistakes when I was growing up, I trusted the wrong people and met the wrong guys. I guess in a way me getting sick is my punishment.
I'm scared of seeing the psychologist and reliving my past. These 'things' that happened to me were bad enough when I was living them the first time round - I don't want to go through all that again. I can't go through all that again. I'm not strong enough.
I wish I could be more like one of you.....