How Am I Gonna Cope???
Posted on 2002-12-13
I think I have a cold or something coming on. All day today I have had that horrible tickly feeling at the back of my throat, my sinuses feel all stuffy, (although I'm not all bunged up yet), and my eyes are all bloodshot. Well, 'they' do say that things happen in threes, and after my fall and puncturing myself with my stapler I really should have expected something to happen on Friday 13th. I was actually thinking about staying in bed all day just to be on the safe side, but I got bored - besides, the Fame Academy final was on and I had to see who won (even though I've only seen it once before).
I got another parcel today - at first I thought it was my birthday pressie from Viks turning up, but sadly it turned out to be more information and textbooks for my Health and Social Welfare course.
Its funny as I was really looking forward to studying with the Open University, but the more articles, books, audio tapes and videos they send me, the more I am beginning to wish I'd never signed up. The thought of having to complete one essay a month didn't seem so bad a couple of months ago, but now it's nearly 'kick off' and I'm afraid that I am going to fail miserably. I am scared that I am going to fall behind with my assignments and that the pressure and work load is going to make my M.E/CFS worse.
I'm also beginning treatment with my psychologist next week for my depression and my M.E/CFS, and I'm concerned that I am going to get a lot worse before I get better. I'm scared that dragging up all the 'bad' things that have happened in my past will open old wounds, and that if I face up to them that my depression will only get an even stronger hold on me. How am I going to get through treatment and study at the same time??? It's bad enough that I feel lonely, scared and empty most days, and during the particularly bad periods I don't want to do anything - I don't want to shower, get dressed, eat etc, so I know the last thing I'm going to want to do is 'hit my books'. I really admire all the M.E/CFS sufferers that are younger than me and manage to cope with school as part of their daily routine - I'm 23 (just), and am absolutely petrified - what must those poor kids be going through???
Righty Ho, I'm off to take a few painkillers and stick an extra blanket on my bed. I hope I can fight off this cold before it turns into something nasty.
Sweet Dreams All!