How Can I.....?
Posted on 2002-12-08
I have no-one to turn to, my notebook is my only choice tonight. How can I explain to anyone what I'm feeling inside tonight - fear, anger, depression, loneliness???
I should be feeling happy right now. I had a great birthday, but it feels as though I am being taunted by the powers that be. It feels as though that one day was a 'break from the norm', a 'day off' from this continuous cycle of sadness, and in a way the build up has only made the aftermath even more upsetting. I've fallen from a greater height this time, and today I am hurting more than ever.
At least when I'm alone I can fill in the gaps with words, emotions and thoughts that are too difficult to explain on paper. Somehow I know that I can't lock or hide my emotions away forever, but I want to so that nobody will be hurt by what I say.
I wish I could tell my Mum how sad I am. Once, a few months ago, I was crying because I was so fed up with feeling so ill with my M.E/CFS. Mum came over to me and gave me a huge hug before breaking down too. As she cried with me she said:
'I wish you were a little girl again. I used to be able to kiss away your pain when you were hurting, but I can't do that anymore - your pain is too great. I can't protect my little girl anymore'.
These words have stuck in my head. I don't want to tell her what I write here. I think it'd break her heart.....