Dad
Posted on 2002-08-21
Ever since I last went to see the psychiatrist I've been thinking about my Dad.
My Mum and Dad divorced when I was 2 years old, so I can't really remember him ever being around.
The last time I saw him was on my 16th birthday. I remember thinking that maybe this time he'll stay in touch - write or phone at least, but he never did. I've since found out that he only came to see me that day to find out what I was going to do with my life - if I wasn't going to college he could stop paying maintenance money to my Mum.
Looking back so much has happened in my short life so far, and my Dad doesn't know about any of it. The things I've listed below seem pretty ordinary, but I keep wondering what it would have been like if my Dad had been there for me.
1. My first days at school
2. My first boyfriend
3. When I got my G.C.S.E results
4. My first job
5. When I done jury service
6. When I was mugged on the street
I guess what I'm trying to say is that basically my Dad knows nothing about my life whatsoever. He doesn't even know I'm sick.
I know you're probably wondering why I haven't tried to contact him, but in the past I have. My letters got ignored and he wouldn't answer my phonecalls.
What hurts the most though is knowing that he lives less than 5 minutes car drive away and hes never even tried to find out about me.
I was just a little kid when he left, and when I was growing up my attitude was 'you can't miss what you've never had', but now I'm not so sure. Dr M (the psychiatrist) has opened a can of worms here, and they just seem to keep spilling out.
I can't help thinking about why my Dad hasn't wanted to have anything to do with me. What did I do to make him stop loving me? What did I do that was so bad???
I've got to try and snap out of this, but I don't know how to. I have 101 thoughts going round in my head, and not all of them are good. I need to find a lid for this can of worms, but I don't know where to begin looking.
Until the next time, keep safe.