Onwards And Upwards
Posted on 2005-03-14
Although she knows I already keep a diary, Rach, my therapist, has asked me to keep a separate one just for things I discuss with her so that together we can face the demons that have been lurking inside my head, clear out all the stuff that I have been suppressing for so long, and hopefully enable me to move on with my life.
So many of my memories have been locked away for so many years because I've never wanted to think about them, never wanted to look back at painful, unhappy times. I've always preferred looking to the future, making plans and getting on with life in order to escape as far away from my past as possible. I want to spend my time thinking about things that I might be able to enjoy, rather than things that I can no longer do anything about. It's as though my subconscious knows those memories would hold me back in the past and so has hidden them away deep inside my head. I've always told myself there is nothing you can do to change the past; what's done is done. But now those memories are gradually being brought back to the surface once again via my new therapist, and I'm having trouble making sense of it all.
Most people have always accepted me for who I am today and never worried what might have happened in the past, but in a strange way I feel I owe it to a handful of people to explain why I am the way I am. I want certain people to know everything about me, including things that I would have been unable to find the words to say out loud to them. It might be easier to just write it all down and let them read my history for themselves. That way I could explain it to them without looking them in the eye; without them hearing the words stick in my throat and without seeing their reaction.
I'm not sure Rach realises how difficult this is going to be.