Change That Thought
Posted on 2004-11-26
Yesterday morning I started writing a post, but considering the mood I was in, [not a good one], I decided not to post it - not because I don't feel that I shouldn't post my bitter, angry kind of thoughts, as I truly believe in the act of expressing and/or writing about what you feel 'right now' and it being a good way of later learning new ways to deal with recurring feelings of the same sort.
The reason I decided not to post that entry was more because after re-reading that particular potential post I realised that almost everything that I'd put in it wasn't really how I felt, but rather the voice of my illnesses and addictions speaking through me, in the same manner it has spoken so many times before.
I don't know how much sense this makes to people, but I know I have a 'thing', a weakness maybe, for desperately, obsessively trying to search for a cause for everything, and I spend days, sometimes weeks thinking about it.
One of these most recent obsessions is to think about how, or more like why do I feel so ill all the time??? Is there something specific that caused the M.E/CFS..... and if so, what??? Do I really have the illnesses that I've been diagnosed with, or is there another physical illness that has been missed by the doctors I've seen in the past???
I guess this is where a big part of me wants to be right, and wants desperately to deny the fact that maybe it's only there because of a physical malfunction.
But really, does it matter??? Should it matter??? Maybe..... maybe not, and since my doctors seem to know for sure is there any point in thinking about it, for isn't it only going to make me more anxious and annoyed towards myself???
I hereby promise, mostly to myself, not to think about this so much afterall.