Random Reflections
Posted on 2003-09-08
Rapid heart beats have turned into rampant insomnia. My body is shaking again, and there is a stabbing pain in my chest, but although I'm frightened by it I'm glad it's there. The pain reminds me that I'm still breathing.
Lately I've noticed how much I actually reflect upon sleeplessness. Everything that I can remember, (whether I want to or not), comes back to me in the early hours of the morning as I toss and turn; leaving me more awake and in need of medication than ever before.
I've been getting flashbacks for a few days now - not all of them bad, but every one bringing out a different emotion, none of which are particularly welcome. I know that these are caused by the change in my medication - I was warned that something like this could happen, but is it really the drugs, or am I finally starting to face some of the past that I've tried so hard to lock away for the last 10 or so years???
I haven't seen Kate for a couple of weeks now - shes been on holiday and I had to miss one of our sessions when I was in hospital, and I feel as though I have so much to talk to her about. It's funny how much I've grown to trust her in such a short space of time - normally I don't confide in anyone about anything.
Apart from here that is, where I share a million fears with the world, yet nobody knows that it's me.