Childhood
Posted on 2003-07-07
I never led a sheltered life in my youth, so I missed out on the dreams that most children seem to have; the dreams where the light shone eternally and the world revolves around yourself, and nobody stands to enlighten you on the truth of how life really is.
I'd already learned the hard way.
I had seen it all come crashing down upon myself as I lay in bed and strained to hear the whispered conversations not fit for my inexperienced ears.
They broke me too young, they took away my sun and my moon, throwing me into the darkness which is now all I know.
Even when I am smiling, happy even, the darkness lurks just around the next bend in the road.
I can't help but blame my Father. He was the one that turned my life upside down afterall.
The day he walked out on me was the day that a part of me died, and I want that part of me back. I'm still young; it's not too late to try and form some kind of relationship with this man..... yet deep down inside I know he doesn't want me to be a part of his life. He made that clear the day he chose my Step-Mother over me, and that day was the last time I saw him.
This may be difficult for someone else to understand, but if I can see him, get to know him as a person, get to know him as my Father instead of a ghost from my past, I can't help thinking that some of the darkness will fade.
I've lived without a father figure for 20 years, but I need him now more than ever. His rejection is something I'll never understand, and no amount of therapy will ever make it any easier to deal with.
I need a hug from my Dad. Why is that too much to ask for???