You Call This A Life???
Posted on 2003-07-02
It's not that I don't want to live, I just don't want to live this life created by M.E.
This in between state of all or nothing, of self imposed barriers, tortured thoughts, the agonising pain of living without companionship, of living life with no safety net, and knowing that there is light just beyond my reach, is all too much to bare.
I accept with a false hopefulness that the feeling will go away in time and that this time will be different, because I daren't sink to the depths of despair. But that little bit of dread pulls me into the dark recesses of my mind, where I find what I don't, can't, and won't admit to anyone, least of all myself.
I can't live another day of this wasted life, of the lies, the self-deceit, the failures, the guilt and the feeling of worthlessness, that doesn't go away.
So I go through the motions instead.
It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live like this.