Waiting For Monday
Posted on 2003-06-14
Tomorrow is Fathers Day, and a day which I dread every year. I guess it's a similar feeling to the one single people experience around Valentines Day, or on the anniversary of a loved ones death. I'd much rather sleep for 24 hours and pretend that Fathers Day doesn't exist, but I know in reality there's no escaping it.
The sad thing is that I don't remember him at all. Some children will hold on to vague memories of their parents face, or remember a certain smell, gesture or voice, but with me there's nothing. You'd think that after 20 or so years I'd have got over the fact that my Father walked out on me, but there are so many questions left unanswered, so many words that have been left unsaid.
- Would I have turned out different if he had been around???
- Would my life be better, or worse than it is now???
- Would I have been a better, or a worse person???
- Did the way people manipulated me when I was younger, do something to me beyond my repair???
I know that because I was exposed to certain things during my childhood I have thoughts in my head I would rather not have. I will have a thought pop into my head randomly, and know that it isn't something I want to be thinking. It takes a lot of effort to keep those thoughts or images out of my head, or to remove them once they are already there.
Does everyone have that??? Scenes that play out like a movie in my head, does that happen to everyone???
When I'm angry I can see myself raging out of control even as I sit and seethe silently. When I'm angry I can picture, with clarity, the details of how I will hurt myself while I sit and do nothing. I don't physically harm myself, but I torture myself mentally, which is just as bad.
Is that normal???
There are so many things that I would love to say to my Father if I were ever to see him again, some good, most bad, but I know that face to face my lips might as well be sewn together. How do you tell someone that they've contributed to making you an emotional wreck???
The sooner Monday comes the better.