Another To Add To The Collection
Posted on 2003-06-10
My appointment at the chest clinic wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, although I did go in with M.E/CFS and come out with anxiety and possibly asthma to add to the collection of medical complaints.
I've been given some different inhalers, and a peak flow meter so I can record my breathing at home over the next couple of weeks, and another appointment has been made for the end of this month.
The doctor I saw isn't totally convinced that I am asthamatic though, hence the reason for monitoring me, but if it's not asthma why on earth can't I breathe or hold a conversation for longer than 10 minutes without getting short of breath???
Even this short time out of my home has left me feeling edgy, paranoid, scared, sick, tired, weak, breathless, pain and another hundred things all at once.
In real life though, when I'm away from my doctors my desperation and pain is silent and goes completely unnoticed. I hide it by just simply avoiding everyone.
If I have to be around others I paste a synthetic smile on my face, and periodically force laughter just like I did in the waiting room earlier today. People don't realise that behind that half smile there is a tormented young woman. But then perhaps they cant see it???
When I speak to others I avoid looking them in the eyes. Eyes can't hide pain. Words can though, and I use them to my full advantage.
Nobody in my 'real life' knows what goes on in my heart and my head. I'm too scared to tell them, too afraid of their reactions.
But I know that if I don't tell them, they'll never know how to help me.
It's a vicious circle.