I Want Out
Posted on 2003-05-09
<>Q. How long can I hide away???A. I really don�t know.
Q. How long can I smile and nod and say, "Yes, everything�s fine here."???
A. Not for long.
It�s hard to pretend when the people around you have even stopped pretending. You stop seeing colours, you stop feeling real, and all you have left is music, your words and your scars.
Can you tell I'm sick again??? I literally can't leave my house or else another germ or type of bacteria sets up camp in my blood and refuses to move no matter how many prescription drugs I feed myself.
As for actually feeding myself, well that's another thing altogether.
The nausea is back with a vengeance, and yesterday my doctor was all for writing me a letter to take to A & E so I could be hooked up to a drip. I'm prone to getting dehydrated when the nausea gets too bad, and this unfortunately, is one of those times. I'm adamant that all the time I can sip water and suck frozen fruit juice I shall remain at home though. I don't want to go into hospital again. There's not much that they can do for me anyway.
My GP has agreed that I need the physiotherapy, and she's also going to write to the hospital and see if they have any doctors which specialise in sleep therapy like Claire suggested. If they don't I'll need to be referred out of our area, and as I've learnt from past experience that takes months. The waiting lists on the NHS are horrific, but I can't afford to pay and go private. I'll just have to sit back and wait for my turn.
I've also been booked in to see an asthma nurse on Monday afternoon as my breathing is also deteriorating rapidly. I don't actually have asthma, but my doctor thinks it would be helpful if I talk to the nurse about breathing exercises and how to breath 'properly'. Funny that - I've been breathing on my own for 23 years, so I think I've got the general idea.
I'm so sick of all this. My life rotates around depression, dietitians and doctors.
I want out!!!