Afraid
Posted on 2003-04-25
Where do we fit, I wonder, between all we are to ourselves and all we are to others??? To those who love us, and those who don't??? To those who see only our good, and those who only see our bad??? To those precious few who see both and who do not run away???
And what of our own feelings of love and hate??? I look in the mirror and I see 'the sick girl' who will never get anywhere in life. There are people who look at me and say otherwise. I trust all of them, but I don't always believe them. They touch me inside, and say I'm for real, and I don't know how I feel about that either. I guess I'm relieved that they actually believe in me, even when I don't.
But..... I know there must be something deeper than this. Deeper than what I can perceive, deeper than what any of us can. If I give up on myself, on wisdom, on truth and on feeling something more, what can I be??? What will be left???
And I sink like a stone into the knowledge that I am not able to be as strong for someone else as he/she has been for me. That I am not enough, that I do not have enough words for what I feel. For how sorry I am. I cling to the word compassion, wave empathy around like some sacred banner, but really..... I am just scared and silent, crashing along through my recent climb, and my coming descent, crying and praying for something better.
I will always be afraid of something, whether it be big or small. I will always just be me - cowering under a blanket of fear.